Stop Putting Anchovies On Caesar Salads

For the last week or so I’ve been desperately craving salads. I don’t know if it’s because I’m pregnant or just because I’ve been so incredibly unhealthy for the last three months that my body is flat-out begging me for nutrients, but I have been. It makes no sense to me either. Anyway, because I have been desiring these so strongly, I’ve been getting a lot of them. I’m a simple salad man. I’m a Caesar guy. Chicken Caesar, even got an ahi tuna Caesar earlier, but that’s as nuts as I get with it. The Caesar salad is damn near perfect, it’s not fancy, it’s got not weird accoutrements, just a fastball of lettuce, croutons, and a great dressing. That is, until restaurants decide to try and get all frilly with it and pop some dead, uncooked fish on top.

FUCK you if you put anchovies on top of my Caesar salad. I know it’s only the fancy restaurants that do it but just because you’re charging 20 dollars for a salad doesn’t mean you can do whatever the hell you please to it. It’s madness! What percentage of people put the anchovies on their little bread plate? 99%? 100%? It’s obscene. Who would want some salty, slimy, disgusting little fish in their salad? What kind of organization decides to make a perfect salad but then make it a littttle bit disgusting? Keep it simple, stupid.

And if you’re about to tall me that anchovies are already in the dressing, save your breath. No fucking shit they are, everyone knows that. But you can’t taste them so it doesn’t come close to counting. If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s there to hear it, does it make a sound? If there are anchovies in my salad dressing and I can’t see or taste them, are they really in there?