Addressing The Rumors That I'm A Same Side Of The Booth Guy

Look, I just got done marathon training for a marathon I don’t think I’m going to participate in because I don’t feel like training for it.  I have a runner’s high right now; just completed 5 miles in 45 mins and am about to attack a kale smoothie for dinner.  It ain’t easy having a body handcrafted by god himself.

So because of that, the last thing I want to see is my less than average, mediocre name sullied on the internet, but today it has been.  Let me first set the stage a little bit.

Today I met with Chief at a coffee shop down the street from our office to go over some behind the scenes shit.  A little meeting of minds if you will.  Parked my pristine 2016 Nissan Altima at the office and ambled over there for a good two hours.  I was the only one parked at the office at the time.

After the meeting I saw Eddie’s car was also at the office so I went inside to see what all the hubbub was about.  I accidentally deleted my entire Lucas Giolito blog I had started earlier in the day, so I needed to rewrite it because I had a dentist appointment at 2pm and was in crunch time a little bit.

I walk into the office and sat where I always sit, as one can see in the video below:

At the edge of some shitty particle board desk provided to us by our landlord because all Fuckhead Pete is dragging his feet on building our studio, while Carl and Eddie sat where they always sat.  Needless to say Carl tweeted a video because he loves nothing more than to pander to the internet at my expense.  He seriously beats his dick to it:

I won’t even blame him.  Anything for a like or a RT amirite? Not exactly a good look for me, but I’ll be goddamned if I walk into an office, there’s two empty seats and I choose to sit in the one next to Carl.  That guy is as obnoxious, loud and emotional as it fucking gets.  So I sat next to Ed instead.

To which I was berated by the entire internet because of fuckwad Carl’s video.  Someone then said this:

To which Eddie replied with this:

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and our intern replied with this:

NOT GOOD TIMING DANNY YOU LITTLE TWAT!  But it was HIS ass who took the video, who was sitting on the other side of the booth from me, after I bought HIM and HIS roommate pizza because they’re younger and I wanted to do something nice for kids without a ton of money like my rich ass.  Last time I ever do ANYTHING nice for him.

But I digress.  In the end, it’s one person’s fault my name is getting dragged through the mud.  This guy:

This is All Fuckhead Pete’s fault.  Basically I’m now known as a same side of the booth guy because All Fuckhead Pete refuses to build our studio and I had nowhere else to sit.  THIS IS HIS FAULT AND NOBODY ELSE’S.  Fuck you Pete!

Now I will admit, the amateur sketch of me being a ‘piss next to a guy already taking a piss in a bathroom full of empty urinals guy’ is not a good look for me:

I wear green shirts.  I wear jeans.  I’m tall and lanky.  I love talking about the goddamn howitzer of a right arm I possess.  But there’s one thing in this amateur sketch that should lead EVERYONE to believe it’s #FAKENEWS.  That it’s a frame job not seen since OJ and Nicole.  That it’s a hit piece directed at me, your less than mediocre White Sox blogger for Barstool Sports:

It says I only throw 90 MPH!!! Is this some kind of sick joke?  Everyone has seen my speed pitch mastery and knows I throw 91 MPH.  Not 90, not 89, 91.

PROOF:

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You think I’d ever short change myself?  Aw hell naw.  If anything I’m lying and saying the gun read 93 or something.  Because that’s what I do.  I lie about things to make myself look better than I am because I’m really not good at anything.

But that’s not the case here.  You guys gotta believe me.  I promise I’m not a same side of the booth guy and I wouldn’t lie to you about that.  Just trust me on this one.