Dave Portnoy, 37, Of Swampscott, MA, Is Dead
Dave Portnoy, 37, Swampscott, Mass, died at 1:19am, Wednesday, December 10th from injuries sustained from Internet Humiliation.
David was the fearless, often untouchable leader of Barstool Sports. Practically undefeated in internet battles, Portnoy suffered a rash of defeats that proved fatal. In a matter of approximately 5 hours, Michigan basketball – coming off their loss to the New Jersey Institute of Technology – lost again to Eastern Michigan. At 10:43pm Tuesday night, and then again at 11:16, Chrissy “Christine” Teigen administered the death blow which delivered a dose of Internet Humiliation no man could withstand. Experts believe David – El Pres, as his fans called him – was dead after he went radio silent for nearly 20 minutes. Fans and spectators say that the World Wide Web should have “Stopped The Fight.” The public cried “The Man Has A Family.” But the internet would not relent. Just shortly after 1am the following morning, Jon Lester signed with the Chicago Cubs – something Portnoy proclaimed would never happen. It was simply too much for any one man to take in one evening of internet activity. His final words were “I have to say something.”
Friends and family will tell you Portnoy had been fading in recent months due to complications with a bald spot/posture, but was believed to have several more years of smut peddling in him. Authorities say it was Chrissy Teigen’s tweet which ended the self proclaimed Mogul’s life. She is currently being investigated for internet homicide. She intends to plead guilty to a lesser charge of self defense manslaughter. Also being charged is the Squirrel King from Barstool Headquarters in Milton Massachusetts. Officials say he was an accomplice to this online murder. Conspiracy Theorists believe he may have orchestrated the whole thing.
David is survived by his wife, Renee, and his 43 horses – Smokeshow City, Weird Haircut Seth, Handsome Hank and the Extraordinary Clara. Services are expected later today on The Rundown. Twitter Eggs and Feminists are expected to protest and rally. When Barstool Sports employees were reached for comment they said “Hail to Teigen! The Witch Is Dead.” Fans of the now disgraced mogul declined comment to comment but were seen throughout the night stunned and dejected: