How To Handle Movember If You're A Little Bitch Like Myself And Can't Grow Facial Hair
[Disclaimer: No. That picture is not actually of me. That baby can grow a much fuller mustache than I can]
This is the 24th month of November that I have been alive for. And for 24 straight Novembers, I haven’t been able to grow shit in terms of facial hair. Now as I’m sure you’re all well aware, today is the start of Movember or No-Shave-November or however you want to go about it. A month when growing facial hair raises money and awareness for men’s health issues like prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and a whole slew of mental illnesses. Essentially, if you shave your face every morning this month, it means that you love cancer. But even though this movement is for a great cause, it can still become quite a nuisance. Especially to those of us like myself who end up looking creepier than Nate with a mustache. So if you, too, fall into that category then here are a few tips on how to handle the next 30 days of your life.
1. Make Sure People Know Your Creepy Facial Hair Is Saving Lives
The same way that vegans always mix into conversations that they are vegans, or the way that crossfit people always find a way to talk about crossfit. Every person you talk to, just make sure to casually drop that your disgusting appearance is actually helping to tackle men’s health issues on a global scale. As soon as you say that, they can’t make fun of you anymore. Send them over to the Movember Foundation website and now you look like a hero instead of a pedophile-in-training.
2. Don’t Wear Glasses
For starters, it draws attention to your face. Secondly, it ups the creepiness factor tenfold. Close your eyes and picture what you think every internet commenter in the world looks like. Either a gross thin little pedo-stache or a patchy beard with some big ass glasses. I know this is only for a month but if you let people see you like that, that image will be etched into their minds for good.
3. No Children
Just stay away from kids as best as you possibly can. Don’t go anywhere near playgrounds. Stay away from elementary schools. If you’re a teacher then either this movement isn’t for you and you can just donate money, or you have to wear one of those Chinese SARS masks for the whole month and just make up a lie by saying you’re sick or something. Either way, kids are a huge no-no this month for us.
4. Don’t Use ‘Just For Men’
I know you think it’ll make your beard/mustache look better but it never does. It just draws way more attention to it and it’s still ungodly creepy.
5. Thanksgiving
Coming up on the last 2 and most important parts here. Thanksgiving is pretty much just a big L for you. There’s no way around it. Your mother and grandmother resent you for showing up to Thanksgiving looking like an asshole. Your uncles and grandpa ridicule you for looking like a little bitch. Or they think they’re the first person to say something along the lines of “oh, I didn’t even notice you were trying to grow that out”. Everybody else in your family who you hate then has this opportunity for a conversation starter and now you’re cornered talking to your cousin Tucker who is the biggest fucking douche on the planet for an hour. Everything sucks and then to top it all off, you have to watch Cowboys vs Redskins.
6. Going Out
Again, this is mostly going to be an L for you. When you’re out in the month of November looking the way you look, you’re not going to do very well in the lady department. You’re going to get plenty of “I have a boyfriend” in response and even if you do manage to get Brittany alone in the bar and you’re hitting it off, her bitch friend Jessica is going to catch a glimpse of your stache and come snatch her away. The best course of action is to just make it a bro month. Try to stay with the group, get blackout so you forget you look like a fucking asshole, and then you spend the whole next day hungover in bed which is great because that’s one less day of the month you have to go out in public.
Best of luck to you and yours.