Smitty's Saga For Love Continues On Purrsonals.com (Part II)
Part II into the depths of batshittidy that is finding love on a cat dating website. Part I ended with the promise of emails and pictures of her cat being exchanged. We pick up right where we left off, but make sure you read Part I first to get the entire sad, sad picture.
(Cat Lady wants me to see Charlotte, one of her 3 cats, and emails over a photo)
From: Cat Lady
To: Smitty
Subject: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 17:58:46
Here’s the cutie! Isn’t she the most presh thing eva!
From: Smitty
To: Cat Lady
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:04:22
OK. An one-eyed-puss. Not exactly what I was expecting. Kind of like Nick Fury, but in cat form and useless. That’s a good photo though because I was going to say you might be a little too far out there for me, but I see you floss. Congrats. You now may be out of league.
Did you take Bob Barker’s advice/for some reason my senior yearbook quote and remember to help control the pet population by having your pets spayed or neutered?
From: Cat Lady
To: Smitty
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:09:56
No!!! My prettys need to be able to create more babies if they want! Don’t you want a bunch of Preses running around?!?! We should get her and Willy together for a play date!!!
From: Smitty
To: Cat Lady
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:15:40
Pres is fixed. Or at least I think she is. She actually was born a male but a more popular kitty named Marbles took his balls away from him. Poor thing hasn’t been the same since. Pres might have a dick but she got so fat from sneakingly eating literal quarts of ice cream in the bathroom every night she can’t see her genitals anyways.
Can’t William have a few menages a trois sessions with the Cyclops and the other pussy? Get the girls to shit out a couple litters that will forever seal your fate as undateable? You can put on this soothing jam. Would be my wedding song if it didn’t put me in the mood so much:
The tent that has just been pitched can give shelter to more cats than Lindsay Lohan’s magical box. Almost.
From: Cat Lady
To: Smitty
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:20:11
LOL I LOVVVVVE THAT SONG!!! We have so much in common! Charlotte can’t have prettys and Jenny is in heaven 
I miss Jenny sooooooo much but she still puts a smile on my face everyday! Still the cutest thing eva!!
From: Smitty
To: Cat Lady
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:23:32
I know you didn’t just send me a picture of your dead cat’s ashes. Because it looks like you sent me a picture of your dead cat’s ashes. Stuff like that doesn’t happen in real life.
From: Cat Lady
To: Smitty
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:30:15
Lol Jenny isn’t dead she’s in another life! This way a part of her can stay with me! Wouldn’t you want Pres to be around with you forever?!?
NOTES: Annnnddd this is where we question the validity of this broad. Nobody is this batshit and is not only employable but can carry a conversation without stopping to cut herself (not proven that isn’t happening). If we’re being catfished here, touche. But it’s time to start fighting fire with fire. You don’t stick your dick in crazy but you can sure as shit mess with it for pleasure on the Internet.
From: Smitty
To: Cat Lady
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:35:34
So William’s options of getting off are limited to a deformed pussy or participating in necrophilia? Similar to my Norman Bates buddy down in Balt/DC. Guess you have to play with the cards you’re dealt. Actually I’m having him turn Pres into a helicopter when she die. He hasn’t waited that long for it to expire in the past but we’re taking baby steps towards leaving the basement.
Helikitty is going to run the skies like you’re going to run through anti-depressants when you’re 40.
From: Cat Lady
To: Smitty
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:41:10
OMG!!! That’s so disgusting!!! Are you serious?!?!
From: Smitty
To: Cat Lady
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:45:38
As serious as the marriage you most likely officiated between your two cats at some point.
So you want to come over for dinner sometime? I’ll pick up some Fancy Feast and we’ll watch the parts of Homeward Bound in which the cat is on screen (Sally Field is the TITS). Sadly not that much of an improvement over my normal night of canned Tuna and Jeopardy!, but we digress. You can bring your “prettys”, too. Would you have issues transporting them? Can they all fit in your vaginal canal or is that space only reserved to strays that need to get out of the cold?
From: Smitty
To: Cat Lady
Subject: RE: Charlotte!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 21:47:14
I’ll take your silence as a maybe.
And that was it. No goodbye. No I love you. Silence. I’m sure we’ll cross paths again down the line in some homeless shelter or mental hospital, but until then, goodbye sweet princess. Twas not meant to be (Thank Christ).
Here are the other dating site blogs if ye are bored:
What’s the next dating site to conquer?
Also, if there’s a dating website out there this face is not currently on (the amount of daily junk email I get from EbonyCircleRing.com is borderline unconstitutional) Tweet it at me and I’ll see if there’s any hen-houses that can use a rooster.