How I Plan To Make The Philadelphia Soul And Thus Take The Arena Football League By Storm

it's official — @SmittyBarstool & I will be trying out for @soulfootball. looking to get Jaws to say i have a "pro-caliber arm" on camera.

— maurice (@tallmaurice) February 13, 2014

Is it unrealistic for a former, below average Division-III Tight End who gave his life to a somehow worse team that won 12 games in 4 years he was there (4 wins the two years he actually played) to make an Arena League football team filled with NFL caliber athletes still in there prime? Perhaps. But if America and Apollo Creed have taught me everything, anyone has a chance. Didn’t you guys ever hear of Valley Forge and Bunker Hill?

Mo thinks the time he quit the junior varsity squad to knit scarves will give him enough experience to lock down a QB spot. I’m a bit more realistic. Played TE/OLB in high school, TE in college but the position is obsolete in Arena ball. Going to have to go after a WR spot. Not going to be easy. If top speed trying out is comparable to a Ferrari then this guy is a golf cart with slashed tires, but you know what I do have. Hands so soft they might as well have been cloned from infant’s ass and the heart of a Medieval warrior. I’ll seriously play without a helmet if that’s what Team President Ron Jaworski wants.

48 hours of preparation isn’t much to get back into game shape, but people don’t realize once a football player always a football player. You may leave the game, but the game never leaves you.

Carb Up:

Must prepare the body for battle. Vera Pasta is what I imagine General Maximus Decimus Meridius would feed his soldiers before slaying the barbarian hoard. Now we take it before inevitably popping both hammys kicking it into 3rd gear for the first time in 5 years.

Inspire Thee:

The movies Rocky I-IV and VI (V has been stricken from reality in this shelter) as well as Rudy, Hoosiers, Braveheart, and Gladiator have been on repeat for the past 24 hours and will be playing through the night on mute. Why without sound? Because real men already know every line from all of these epics. A collection of music from NFL films is currently blaring and shall the only noise heard until I am officially announced as AFL MVP.

Lay Off That Petshop Game:

Self explanatory. Know with the first class blogging life and super head thing it’s tough trying to keep the ladies at bay, but no slinging dick. Women. Weaken. Legs.

Master The Combine:

As you can see, I’ve already conquered the Broad Jump. Half surprised I didn’t leap into the stratosphere. Will be tested in the 40, short shuffle as well as one-on-one positional drills. Prepare yourself for the second coming of Mike Mamula or most likely Walter White Jr. attempting to run in a game of QWOP.

And that’s that. This time tomorrow there will be press conference announcing the greatest acquisition by the AFL since Kurt Warner got snagged from his job bagging groceries. Shield your eyes if you want to keep the pants dry ladies, football Smitty is officially back!