Forget Machado, Forget Harper, The Yankees Need To Sign Jesus To a $400 Million Deal This Offseason

The offseason has officially started for every baseball team and we are only a few days away before free agency begins. We are just hours removed from the worst sentence ever written or spoken on Earth becoming reality: “The Boston Red Sox just won the World Series.” There is only one option for the New York Yankees this winter : spend. They’ve been preparing years for this offseason to get under the luxury tax number and reset their penalty threshold so they can unload the big bucks and return to their Evil Empire ways. The upcoming free agent class is loaded with talent, including guys like Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, Patrick Corbin, Josh Donaldson, Dallas Keuchel, etc. We thought those were the headliners of this class until a video surfaced today of a rising journeyman with a big stick. That would be Jesus Christ himself.

Here we have a Halloween pickup baseball game going on for whatever reason and Jesus Christ himself steps into the dish. With a man on second you would think he was going to lay down a bunt and sacrifice himself, getting the runner to third and helping manufacture a run. Nope, Jesus has risen and he’s done with being a team guy. He’s clearly now an analytics machine and knows the bunt is being phased out of the game. He decided to swing away and crucify this baseball, sending it to another galaxy. You can’t see exactly where it landed, but you have to assume it went over those skyscrapers in left.

So what am I willing to give Jesus? Well, assuming he’s okay with cutting his hair and joining the “Yankee way” I’d fork over $400 mill. I know the Yankees are trying to avoid giving big contracts to give guys in their 30s and up (Jesus is hovering around 2,000 years right now) but I think it’s worth it. Let’s pull the trigger and get this guy in pinstripes.

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It’s going to be a long Winter.