So Daniel Jones Is Actually Just Eli Manning's Clone, Huh?

I know we heard all the stories and jokes about Daniel Jones being Eli Manning’s Mini Me or that he looks like the actor that would play Eli in a movie about Peyton Manning’s life or at least be his stunt double in between all the tweets ripping the Giants for picking him at 6. Of course you can say almost any tall, goofy looking white guy with a floppy haircut and some boat shoes in his closet looks like Eli Manning or at least the prototypical Barstool reader according to sports blogs that are losing headcount by the minute. However this picture is truly preposterous.

Which has me truly wondering what if Daniel Jones is actually Eli Manning’s clone. You know humans are probably getting cloned on a daily basis on the black market and Archie Manning strikes me as the exact kind of guy with the loose morals and purse strings to do whatever is necessary to help his family. And it’s clear to anyone with a set of eyes to know that Eli has lost a step or three over the last few seasons due to age and a shitty offensive line.

What if Archie, in an effort to keep one of his own as the face of New York football and help out the franchise that saved his son from the Chargers, took some of Eli’s DNA, mixed in a dab of Peyton’s because why not, juiced up his Speed rating about 20 points, and created Daniel Jones? Archie then hid Daniel Jones (which is a perfect clone name by the way) in plain sight at a shitty program like Duke where none of his teammates could make him look spectacular under the tutelage/watchful eye of head coach David Cutcliffe, a close personal friend of the Mannings. That’s pretty much exactly what Obi-Wan Kenobi did with Luke Skywalker (Duke is the Tattooine of college football in this scenario, which I’m pretty sure checks out as well). Gettleman knew of this entire charade because of the alliance between the Giants and the Mannings, which is why he has kept Eli on the team and picked Jones at 6 instead of him potentially getting snagged by the Broncos or any other team.

Once Jones’ likely shortened career is over in 8 years because clones don’t live as long as normal humans, there is already someone being groomed to take his place at MetLife Stadium, likely by another power play by the Manning compound.

Boom. If you aren’t already sold about the Daniel Jones pick, you never will be. Because I don’t know what exactly to expect from Jones throughout his career. But I’m already penciling him in for two Super Bowl championships, likely won against Bill Belichick and Tom Brady because those two motherfuckers are not going anywhere any time soon.

Speaking of motherfuckers, this shirt will become available once I get enough credit card numbers sent to me by people that promise they will buy a shirt with a blatant 10/10 offensive curse word on the front of it because we must support Daniel Jones through hell and high water. #Danwagon

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And yes, I will also be mocking up Motherfucker Jones shirts in case he sucks and we all have to abandon ship. But for now, it’s positive vibes only for Eli 2.0.