Power Ranking The Chicago Field Trips You Took As A Kid

Carl8/15/2019 4:21 PM

Eddie and I recorded a Dog Walk last week on the subject of Field Tripping in Chicago as a kid and it was awesome. So much fun talking about all the dumb shit we did as kids that it made me sit down and cook up a power ranking around Chicago.

Check out the show if you grew up around Chicago. It’s loaded with nostalgia.

In the meantime, here’s the official Power Rankings that I’ve organized based on our chat:

21. Anything Religious

Not to be a downer. Faith is great and anyone who maintains it has my added respect. That said, when you’re in grade/elementary school in Chicago and the trip involves some 1:15 minute bus ride to some obscure seminary or something then you’ve lost the entire grade including chaperones. And while I could easily strike this from the list, Catholic grade schools dominate throughout the Chicagoland so I know I’m not alone when I say it was bullshit having the school disguise one of these religious service experiences as a field trip all because we got a hot lunch and needed to get a permission slip signed by AT LEAST ONE BUT PREFERABLY BOTH GUARDIANS.

20. Springfield IL

YAWN YAWN YAWN

Nearly a 4 hour bus ride to the state’s capitol to breathe the air of all our corrupt politicians. What a crock of shit. This was more of a public school play because the state used fire and police pension funds to help facilitate public school funding trips to Springfield (not sure if that’s true but I’m salty so just work with me). Then you get down there and it’s like That’s Where Abe Lincoln Got His Hair Cut. And Over There Is Where Abe Picked Up The Mail.

On and on it goes with no end in sight, only temporary pauses for the one-way stop light at every. fucking. intersection.

19. Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago

Curious how the money supply really works?

18. Art Institute

This one’s probably going to surprise you guys because it’s such a heavy hitter around town but the reality is that the Art Institute sucks to little kids. You have to be a mature adult to even remotely appreciate any of that shit and even then, you’re swimming upstream if you don’t or haven’t done drugs. An edible and slow walk around the AI is nothing short of wonderful. Or imagine a well lubed trip in the Van Gough corridor with a pocket full of sour patch kids. Now we’re talking folks.

17. Drury Lane Theater

I’m not dragging on Drury Lane. You guys made the list and I bumped you in front of the Art Institute in the process. That’s no small feat. At the same time, smaller budget theatre has it’s production challenges that makes this place a real home run with old ladies and the u8 crowd. Even so, Drury Lane is like your favorite band on a reunion tour: Classics Only.

Drury Lane isn’t going to sandbag you with some obscure shit you’ve never heard of. It’s Fidler On The Roof, Nutcracker, Mary Poppins, etc. Just classic 4 seam fastballs in the theatre community.

16. Any Kind Of Walking Tour

I was overweight as a kid or as my mom would say Just A Little Husky so naturally anything that had me in motion for an extended period of time without playing a sport was a total buzzkill. This stuff too is just an example of how selfish adults can be in pushing what they think is interesting upon kids. Like no one gives a fuck where the first public trial was held in Cook County or how they managed to build a bridge over the Chicago River 137 years ago. Put me in a taxi and take me to the chocolate factory in West Town and let’s call it a day.

15. Little Red Schoolhouse (Farmhouse)

I know I just said I don’t want to be moving around too much but the petting zoo / nature walk game as a young kid like age 5-9 was so fucking legit. That’s where you’d get back on the bus and be like Hey Jason Do You Want To Be My Best Friend? These are the earliest of the early field trips, to some barn or schoolhouse or outdoor center in the middle of nowhere to pet goats and all that shit. We need to bring that back as adults.

14. Morton Arboretum

Every species of plant or something in the world rolled up under one western suburb piece of property. Nice thing is you’d go here in junior high and there’s like 18 miles of trails so you know someone was getting whacked off or something in the bushes. Shit got weird here. One of the 8th graders in my brothers class made screwdrivers for the cool kids. 2 girls puked at lunch. Memories.

13. Sears Tower Skydeck

Just cool because it’s tall and then you’d go to the bomb food court in the basement which is about 1000000% more important than spotting grandma’s house from the 100th floor.

12. Field Museum

Big name but little punch for the young kids. I mean it’s big as fuck too and really smells good. But there’s nothing to do except pretend to be interested until you can buy one of the plastic molded dinosaurs to fuck around with on the bus ride home. You paid attention to nothing but are encouraged to watch Jurassic Park when you get home because that movie fucks.

11. Zoo (Lincoln Park)

Cool if you like malnourished lions and lonely polar bears. I mean really and sincerely calling LP Zoo a Zoo is such a slap to Brookfield but at the same time the location is ideal for any type of 2nd-5th date age 18-28 around town. So take advantage of it while you can just don’t be disappointed when the monkeys are more depressed than your sales manager.

10. Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Get dressed up and go to Chicago Theatre and eat fancy candy and drink ginger ale? You bet your ass I’m wearing my nicest Abercombie sweater and Old Navy cargo pants. It’s 1998 and I’m trying to flex on the new girl who just transferred from St. Thomas Moore because her brother beat up a bunch of kids at school and now the whole family has to transfer. Also, Donny Osmond. Electric.

9. Bozo Show

Studio was so small.

8. Robert Crown Center (Sex Ed)

This is where you went to have the hardcore talk about hardcore sex. Like dick and balls and fallopian tubes with cartoons and all these weird lifelike exhibits so you could learn about how babies are made. Easily the most intense field trip of your life for guys like me because the teachers are like IF ANY OF YOU LITTLE SHITS FUCK WITH ME ON THIS DAY I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL RIP YOUR DICK OFF AND STUFF DOWN YOUR THROAT

And then the first instructor says “Who knows what an erect penis looks like?” and every 11 year old boy in the room loses it.

7. Adler Planetarium

Location location location.

6. Museum Of Science & Industry

All the cool exhibits and shit make this a museum for the ages. Like this is no cupcake princess preschool museum. This is big boy Einstein and Edison type shit where you get to basically play with electricity and become a scientist. Place is spectacular just a pain in the ass to get to. I would highly recommend going here as an adult on a double date and getting fucking loaded beforehand. You will not believe some of the shit you will see.

5. Minor League / College Sporting Events

The dads in my school would organize a yearly trip through the church to take the boys to a Wolves game or DePaul basketball game or other low budget sporting event they could all gamble on together. It was boys only and every dad was hammered by the time the bus got to the stadium.

4. Zoo (Brookfield)

GOAT

3. Shedd Aquarium

The Dolphin show is top notch not to mention the variety of exhibits and you get to walk around INSIDE. That’s so huge for Team Air Conditioning like me.

2. Medieval Times

Usually associated with some kind of Troop or Boy Scout thing due to its violent nature, Medieval Times is the single most historical immersive experience for all ages in Chicago. Drinking soup from the bowl with a chicken leg wrapped around your 3rd grade fingers like your Robert Baratheon 1st of His Name. Nothing but chaos and staged masculine toxicity as Red/Yellow knight defeats the Green night in the opening round for the 5,000th consecutive show.

1. Navy Pier

The grandaddy of them all and for good reason. You have to usually be at least in 6th grade and usually the trip comes with a stipend from mom and dad. For me it was spring of 1999 and I had $40 to spend for an entire day. Got some McDonalds, saw a movie, bought some stupid touristy shit. But really the sweetspot here is you get to be an adult for a brief period of time. The freedom to go wherever, do whatever just make sure to hit your rendezvous checkpoints for snacks and don’t miss the bus. In the meantime, the chaperones are tied up at Harry Carays “just having a long lunch” slash pounding long island ice teas and getting ready for the group speed boat cruise at 4pm before a pit stop at Rain Forest Cafe on the way home. Maybe that’s lame to you but a 12 year old me is running laps around that place on a goddamn sugar high, ready to conquer the world until my one buddy rocked the Ferris Wheel too hard and I screamed like a girl. Never forget Carl.