If There's One Thing The Church Has Been Missing For Centuries, It's Super Soakers
I'm not a very religious person. Not religious at all, actually. I just think there's too much uncertainty around any religion to justify wasting some crucial hours of your Sunday morning stuck at a church. Sunday mornings are absolutely critical to setting up what type of week you're about to have. Typically I like to get up relatively early, enjoy my coffee, take the dog out for a walk, realize I have 5 different starters with a bye week on my fantasy team, frantically try to pick someone off waivers, and then maybe hit a light jog so I can justify the amount of shit I'm about to consume on the couch for the rest of the day. But if you spend a few hours of your Sunday morning at church, you don't have time for any of that anymore. You're screwed. You're already so behind on your week and it's only just begun.
So at some point you have to learn to adapt. You can't be rolling out the same ol' hymns that everybody has been hearing for decades. You can't just have everybody constantly going from standing up to sitting down to kneeling to sitting down to standing up to kneeling to shaking hands with the people around them to kneeling again to standing up. You gotta spice it up if you want people to keep giving up their Sunday mornings to attend mass. What you need is exactly what we're seeing from this priest in Detroit due to social distancing measures.
Whoever comes out on top of the super soaker war every Sunday gets immunity for the next week. They're allowed to sin as much as they want until next Sunday without having to confess to shit. Free rein to do whatever they want. They also get to crush the rest of the altar wine so they can get a little victory buzz on. You want to jack up attendance on Sundays again? There's your solution.