Scientist Says Penises are Shrinking and We've Got Pollution to Blame

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The other day I heard Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew Pinsky on their podcast discussing a book called "Estrogeneration" by Anthony G. Jay, PhD. And how it related to Carolla's book from 11 years ago, "In 50 Years We'll All Be Chicks." Because the premise of Dr. Jay's research was that men around the world, particularly those 30 and under, a losing their sperm count and suffering higher rates of impotence and infertility. And that this is a problem the medical community is well aware of, but isn't being talked about enough. And the main culprit, stealing your swimmers like a porch pirate taking your packages quite literally right under your very nose? 

Plastic. Particularly plastic drinking bottles, which have become the major source of how all men consume fluids. There's a chemical in the plastic that gets into your system and causes an increase in your estrogen, thereby reducing your testosterone and your sperm count. Speaking as someone from a generation that grew up getting my drinking water out of the faucet (or the garden hose, while doing a little thing that used to be known as "playing outside all day") and who now uses an aluminum bottle at the gym every morning, you fellas have my sympathy. I was never considered myself much of a sniper, but I did manage to put the puck in the net.. Particularly when my fertile Irish Rose pulled the goalie. 

The timing of my hearing this discussion is serendipitous, given this latest report. It seems like those plastic bottles you over consume are not only bad for whales and polar bears, the rest of the pollution we're causing is doing no favors for the little purple homewreckers of the next generations, either.

Sky News -  Penises are shrinking and genitals becoming malformed because of pollution, an environmental scientist has warned in a new book detailing the challenges facing human reproduction.

Dr Shanna Swan writes that humanity is facing an "existential crisis" in fertility rates as a result of phthalates, a chemical used when manufacturing plastics that impacts the hormone-producing endocrine system.

As a result of this pollution, a growing number of babies are being born with small penises, Dr Swan writes. 

Her book, titled Count Down, examines "how our modern world is threatening sperm counts, altering male and female reproductive development, and imperilling the future of the human race".

Dr Swan's research began by examining phthalate syndrome, something observed in rats which found that when fetuses were exposed to the chemical they were likely to be born with shrunken genitals. …

Dr Swan believes that the rapidly decreasing fertility rate means that most men will be unable to produce viable sperm by 2045.

Well there you go, humanity. For decades we've been warned about how pollution will be the end of us all. That by not reducing our carbon footprint one way or another, we were signing our own death warrant. Either the sun was going to bake us to death, or it was going to cause widespread famine, or we were going to get cancer from all the chemicals were were dumping into the ground. Regardless something was coming along to cancel our reservations at Earth's great global buffet. 

And if the armada of private jets blackening the skies over Super Bowl weekend and the work crews in the prison jump suits along the interstates are any indication, a lot of people have certainly ignored the warnings. Maybe they thought the human race would figure it out. Hell, we're an adaptive species. And surely some future generations would come up with a solution they way we figured out agriculture and domesticating animals tens of thousands of years ago. 

Well guess again. Like Jeff Goldblum says in "Jurassic Park," life finds a way. Except in our case, we're not that life. The planet figured out how to recycle us. By eliminating the one thing we value most. 

Penises. 

Good luck kicking the pollution can down the road to future generations when there are no future generations. When your average johnson is dispensing low-cal, I Can't Believe It's Not Baby Batter and the few sons we do produce are carrying golf pencils in their tuxedo pants at Prom, I hope you thought all those single-use bottles and meals served in carry out trays because you're too lazy to cook were worth a mass extinction event like this. I know I'll be sorry to see it happen. But at least I'll get to check out of his life comforted in the knowledge 100-year-old me will die with one of the most impressive penises left in the world. And I'll enjoy that while it lasts. 

But seriously, let's quit making a mess of things and get those sperm counts back up like our future depends on it. Because it sounds like it does.