How To Properly Deal With A Group Of Lunatic Protestors Who Storm Your Elite Private Golf Course
Picture this: you're out in beautiful Southampton, and you've got a morning tee time at Sebonack. You've been networking to get on this bucket list course for two years. Anytime you saw some dude wearing the trademark S logo at some cocktail party or charity event, you made a beeline for him. Most of the time, they weren't members, and you had to eat a boring conversation for ten minutes before politely excusing yourself to the bathroom. But finally, it happened. The stars aligned and a buddy from work said he'd secured a tee time with a +1 for YOU on Saturday in July. His stepdad's interior designer did the pool house for a member and now you're in the 8:45AM fourball at motherfucking Sebonack.
Is it NGLA or Shinny? No. But it's still pretty special.
Sebonack is a wonder of a golf course. So pure. The first hole and the last hole are perched above the Great Peconic Bay and as you come in to the clubhouse, having shaken hands with your generous host, you know you're about to put an absolute BEATDOWN on the pro shop when all of a sudden…
Cowbells? Drums? Is this some zany custom announcing the kitchen has run out of ahi tuna wraps?
No. It's a group of wealth gap/climate/Native American land protestors shaking pitchforks in cow costumes, cosplaying both sides of the livestock-slaughterer spectrum, off the pristine 18th green. And this is their January 6th.
What do you do? How do you protect the sanctity of Golf Digest's 43rd-ranked golf course in the country?
Dan Rap blogged this yesterday, but I scanned his lovely writing for a solution and found none. So here's what you do:
We're hitting stingers, folks. You're going to want to set the ball in the back of your stance. Get your hands forward through impact to de-loft the club. I prefer a 5-iron but if you're low single-digit handicap, you might pull this off with a 4-iron or even a 3. Most importantly, brake your hands as soon as you can after impact. We're sawing this swing off ASAP to flight the ball low because most of these clowns aren't very tall. If you hit one off the hozzle, that's ok: we're aiming at a group of trespassers with zero cohesion among their outfit theme, not a fairway. Do you want to hit the Gandalf or the Orca? Who cares! Just swing away.
God help these fools if they wander onto the range. If golfers have no qualms about hitting into a green when a maintenance crew is edging the bunker just twenty yards right of the pin, you can bet your Foreplay headcovers they'll gleefully dump a full bucket of range balls out for protestor practice. It sure beats trying to bean the roving cart kid collecting range balls in a repurposed John Deere buggy.
PS- Sebonack isn't even the most expensive initiation fee in this area. If you protestors really want to make a splash, bring your pitchforks to the Bridge. It's only 11 miles away and I'm fairly sure they'll well north of a $1M nut. Do your research next time.
PS: I had a lovely time playing with Frankie, watch our video here:
