Frozen Pipes and a Steamy Affair...
krisjosef. Getty Images.Sunday morning at 6:00 am, I looked at the thermometer I hung outside our kitchen window years ago, and it said 12 degrees (Fahrenheit). Throw in the wind chill factor, and it was pretty fucking cold!
That kind of cold weather reminded me of when I was in the plumbing and heating business, and on days like that, my phone would ring off the hook with no heat/frozen pipe calls, a majority of which were from desperate homeowners hoping someone, anyone, would return their call for help. You could make a lot of money thawing pipes and fixing heat during frigid weather, especially on weekends and late nights when you could charge double time, but I never looked forward to that time of year like some plumbers did…
I always took good care of my customers who had no heat, but I never enjoyed going into their cold houses and trying to locate frozen pipes. It wasn't easy thawing out a house and getting the heat back on, even with an expensive pipe-thawing machine like the one I had. And if the frozen pipes burst and multiple splits had to be repaired, it could get pretty involved and very time-consuming. Back then, everything was copper that had to be soldered, so it was risky trying to repair pipes in tight spaces using an Acetylene torch.
One of my customers had been a friend and customer of my father-in-law's when he was in the plumbing and heating business. Despite his friendship with my father-in-law, I never trusted him, and I took everything he said with a grain of salt. I started doing his plumbing work after my father-in-law passed away, and when I asked him who maintained his American Standard Arcoliner boiler, he said he had a great oil company that took care of it for him.
I loved doing heating work, and not just because it was more lucrative than plumbing, but because it was cleaner and more cerebral. But this guy was very happy with his oil company, always bragging to me about how great they were, and he wasn't about to make any changes. I suspected he got a better price on his oil for signing up for their service plan, something I couldn't offer him.
The guy and his wife went to Florida for a couple of months every winter, and while they were gone, their younger daughter checked on the house. One day, she walked in, and the house was cold. After she turned up the heat and didn't hear the oil burner kick on, she called the oil company…
A technician showed up and immediately determined there was a problem with the nozzle on the Beckett burner. After replacing the nozzle, something happened, and he had to shut the boiler down again. But this time, when he was finished, he forgot to flip the emergency switch back on at the top of the basement stairs…
Thinking everything was fixed, the technician left, and the guy's daughter went away for the weekend. When she returned, the house was cold, and the pipes were frozen. She called the oil company immediately…
They sent the same technician, and when he headed down the basement, he immediately saw that the emergency switch at the top of the stairs was off and tried to blame the guy's daughter, but she insisted she never touched it. That's when he remembered his mistake…
The technician flipped the switch back on and waited around until the first-floor zone started to heat up, and he told her not to worry, that after it ran for a while, it would thaw out the second floor. They both left the house.
That afternoon, when the second floor finally thawed, no one was around, and by the time she checked on the house later in the day, water was pouring out of the ceiling and walls, ruining plaster, woodwork, and flooring, pretty much the entire fuckin' house had become one big sprinkler system, and everything was soaked. She called the oil company for the third time, and this time she was fucking pissed!.
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Two new technicians arrived quickly, and after shutting the second-floor zone and the water main, one of the technicians called the oil company's owner, who, by that time, knew it was his technician's fault that this even happened and that his company would end up being sued and paying for all the damages no matter what he did. So, he decided it wasn't worth his time and effort to try and repair the split pipes on the second floor. He told the guy's daughter to call someone else, and then he walked away from it, which to me was very surprising, especially for a reputable oil company…
That's when I got the call. It was 9:00 PM. I immediately got dressed and met the guy's daughter at the house. Once inside, I looked at the water still dripping from the ceiling in spots and told her it was late and I could come back in the morning at my regular rate. Even after I told her it would take a while, she wanted me to stay and fix everything right away.
The first-floor heat was working, so I isolated the second-floor and soldered on fittings so that I could use my compressor to fill the second-floor piping with air and locate the leaks without causing more damage.
She stayed and helped me listen for leaks. And, when I'd find one, she'd follow me around the house, telling me her life story, which turned out to be pretty fucking crazy. I had done some work for her older sister a while back when she was going through a divorce, and of the two daughters, the older one was the looker. This one, eh, not so much…
The older sister didn't get along with the younger sister's husband, and when she needed a job, and the younger sister's husband needed a secretary, the younger sister urged her husband to hire her sister, which he did…
Apparently, they got along much better than most people thought. The older sister was fucking her younger sister's husband, and the steamy affair went on for a couple of years before anyone got wise to it. Once everyone was aware of it, there were two divorces in the family.
She kept talking while I kept working, and her fucking story helped pass the time. One thing became very obvious: this was one highly dysfunctional family…
All toll, there were thirteen splits, a mix of both plumbing and heating pipes. Some were easy to get to, while others required me to cut access holes in ceilings and walls. I worked non-stop and got all the pipes repaired and the heat back on by 4:00 AM…
When I left, she thanked me, and by that time, I had heard enough of her stories. She was driving me fucking crazy, and I started to understand her ex-husband's decision to have a steamy affair with his hot sister-in-law…
I sent a bill to the owner's Florida address, and he refused to pay me until he got money from his insurance company. I called and explained that I shouldn't have to wait to be paid, that I didn't wait to come over to fix his pipes, and that I could've billed him double time, but because of his friendship with my father-in-law, I only billed him at time and a half. But that didn't matter to him, and I waited over a month to get paid.
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In the spring, when he returned from Florida, he hired a local contractor to repair his house. He got much more money from the insurance company than anyone expected, so he didn't just repair the damages; he updated his kitchen, sunroom, his entire fucking house. The contractor he hired knew me and suggested that I do the plumbing and heating work since I knew the house so well. I installed the new kitchen sink and dishwasher, moved heating pipes so the contractor could relocate walls, installed new baseboard, and updated his heating system by making the sunroom a separate zone.
When I gave the guy the bill, he started arguing with me. I told him I only billed him for the time I was there and the materials I used, but he didn't want to pay the regular rate; he wanted a discount. It took weeks and several late bills before I finally got paid, and after that, I never worked for him again. Apparently, fucking people was a family trait he effectively passed on to his older daughter…
After that experience, I started making people sign contracts when I came to fix their frozen pipes, making it clear what my hourly rate was and that I would be charging from the time I left my house to the time I finished and packed up my tools.
It amazes me, though, how much personal stuff and family secrets people are willing to share with their plumber. I guess Amy didn't know I'd end up becoming a blogger at Barstool Sports…
Fixing frozen pipes is a thankless job…
And the guy sitting at the bar announced, "My wife is so fucking cold…"
And the patrons of the bar collectively asked, "How cold is she?"
He answered, "When she spreads her legs I can hear the oil burner kick on!"