Tempers FLARED In Barstool Basketball's Season Opener As Poison Slowly Seeps Into The Locker Room
AP News (Manhattan, New York) Bickering, sweat, and turnovers. Despite a sloppy start paired with utter chaos from the bench, the newly constructed barstool basketball team comes away with a last second win in their season opener. Mass confusion was a glaring problem for Team Barstool, which most likely comes from the official team roster being assembled 2 hours before tip-off, and allowing a 90 man NFL roster of people on Barstool's sidelines …
After last season's disappointing playoff exit, General Manager Dana Beers & Coach Chris Klemmer understood the only way to bring home a coveted Rec League Championship was bringing in some new blood to help fill some much needed roles. Shooting and veteran leadership were two of the biggest problems. The front office came through in a big way with the offseason moves.
Two Key Additions
1. While the team had several young captains last season, they were missing a veteran locker room presence who has been there before. In walks Rico Bosco. You take one look into Rico's eyes, and can tell this is a man who has been to war in the basketball trenches. He's seen his fair share of backdoor cuts and backdoor covers ruin a win. Bosco might not log a starter's minutes these days, but he's a coach on the court who is willing to give his input, even when no one is asking, Rico will be there to tell you what you should be doing.
2. Last season this team averaged 1.0 3 pointers made per game, which isn't great considering 3's are worth more than 2's. That's why the front office went and found one of the often forgotten Splash Brothers, their autistic step-brother: Tommy Smokes. This team often finds itself afraid to take the long range shot in fear of missing, and hurting the team. Not Tommy Smokes. Smokes will take any shot on the court without hesitation. He can't offend the team, because in Tommy's mind, he is the team, and the team needs more Tommy.
Despite several strong additions, Coach Klemmer decided to go with his tried and true starting rotation of returning players from last season …
There was a lot of rust to be knocked off in the first half of basketball due to the fact that this team spent the offseason thinking about anything and everything other than ball. Team captain Dana Beers was off selflessly serving his company by doing his 4th tour on a college campus: defending our right to drink a zillion beers, team co-captain Marty Mush was attempting a career in professional baseball, and Billy Football was on the campaign trail to drain the congressional swamp.
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The Barstool team started off slow, but eventually the starters found their rhythm by grinding in the paint. Let the big boys eat. Substitutions were clunky, defensive sets weren't clear, but eventually even the new faces on the second unit found their chemistry on the court. The game stayed close as both teams went back and forth with the lead.
In the first 15 minutes of the 40 minute game, few shots were taken more than 8 feet from the hoop. That's when the fissures of distrust in the team game plan started to show. Players on the sidelines were clamoring for more shots from deep, a style similar to the modern NBA. The only problem is, unless Pat Bev walks through that door, this roster doesn't have NBA talent.
Coach Klemmer and Assistant Coach Kenjac were the architects of this team. They know what they have on the roster, and preach a style that pre-dates the 3 point line with close range efficiency. This strategy would allow the team to plug and play any player from the Depression Area. Fuck spacing, send everyone to the paint, and may the best man win. If Steph Curry started chucking up 3's for this team, Coach Klemmer would send him to jail for life.
This division on in game strategy was the biggest spilt of white people since the north vs the south in the civil war.
Despite the game plan, the team started to take more shots from deep, including a 3 pointer Gia Mariano splashed with 4 minutes to go in the second half, only to be benched, and never see the floor again. Tempers flared between Mariano and coach Klemmer as she was seen jawing at Klemmer on the sideline in what was believed to be a dispute over minutes. Reports are the spat boiled over into the locker room after the game, causing several players to hold Gia back, while a stiff breeze held back coach Klemmer.
If the team wasn't arguing with themselves, they were focusing their energy on fighting with the refs. Rico was looking like prime LeBron, holding court with the officials, telling them how they should be calling the game. The refs appreciated none of the tips, including Gia arguing over a foul. Instead of issuing a technical foul on Mariano, the ref stopped the game and scolded her with a warning in front of the entire gym. If I were in her shoes, I'd rather have the tech than a public shaming.
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While lacking minutes, Tommy Smokes was seen putting in work on the sidelines, whispering in teammates ears. We are unsure of exactly what was being said, but anonymous sources close to the team are saying the newly acquired sharp shooter is trying to stage a coup against the coaching staff. Finding minutes for players this season will be a problem, and Smokes will make sure of it.
The team battled in the second half and found their roles. While the usual scorers thrived, the team found its footing on the defensive side of the ball with newly acquired Matthew Jenks. Jenks was brought in to play the role of a lockdown bully defender, offering up a nasty 1, 2 defensive punch with rotational starter, Wayne Jetski. When the game came down to one final defensive possession, with Barstool up 48 to 46, it was Jetski and Jenk's double on the opponent's best defender that won team Barstool the game.
While this team struggles to find their identity, it will look at last year's starters to carry the team. Winning is the ultimate cure all, BUT will winning be the antidote for the poison that is undoubtedly leaking into the Coach Klemmer's locker room?
Watch last season's Barstool Basketball Documentary below …