Bezos Finally Gave Our Space Program What it Needs Most: Hot, Rich Celebrities
Growing up, one of my first crushes was Lt. Uhura from Star Trek. First because she was the best in the business when it came to contacting Star Fleet Command or opening a hailing frequency. Second because she had certain aesthetic qualities that appealed to a growing, healthy boy with natural urges:
Plus, since my father had gone to God when I was still a kid, Captain Kirk was my image of what the ideal man was. And since he respected his Communications officer as much as he recognized how hot she was:
it was only natural I'd follow his lead.
Subsequent Star Trek series followed suit. First with Deanna Troi:
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Then 7 of 9:
Paramount. Shutterstock Images.Because the producers understood what our actual space program was never able to grasp.
Sex sells.
It had been tried everywhere else with success. Every other aspect of our culture had done the math and demonstrated that the American public is interested in attractive people doing things. Especially attractive female people. The biggest fans of the space program were adolescent males like me, but NASA gave us nobody but tough, competent, fearless, steely-eyed missile men at the controls of the space craft. Then couldn't figure out why, as it's said in Apollo 13, "we've made space travel as exciting as a trip to Pittsburgh." And the public quickly lost interest in the entire operation.
So our nation today should be giving its undying gratitude to one of our megabillionaires for having the wisdom and vision to give us what we really want. A crew of rich, famous celebrities who look good in sexy, form-fitting space suits and launching them into … well, the highest level of the atmosphere that can technically qualify as "space."
Jeff Bezos did nothing less than give humankind's greatest adventure what it needs to grab hold of the American people's imagination.
T:
And A:
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Yes, Katy Perry was going to do Katy Perry things. Be at the same time insufferable:
… and totally vapid in describing the whole experience:
But you can't argue that she didn't look good doing it. If you're going to give six ladies a Freudian ride on your circumcised penis ship:
… that lasts 11 minutes into faux space where they have zero control over the rocket and are merely supercargo, you owe it to the public to have them look good doing it. Nice outfits. Hair perfectly on point. Striking poses right from the title card of a promo for Real Housewives of Blue Origin. There's risks involved, to be sure. Any time you ignite a tower of literal rocket fuel a million terrible things can go wrong. But still, this is essentially a K-Pop band who just needs to hit their marks, lip sync the lyrics, and hold the male gaze for a while. Mission: Accomplished.
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Of course, not everyone sees it that way. The internet is making with the jokes:
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And even some of their fellow celebrities are being all catty about it:
But these people just haven't gotten with the times. The days of intrepid, highly-trained and skilled career astronauts like Butch and Suni:
Joe Raedle. Getty Images.Advertisement
… are over. Our adventure in space is getting the glow up it needs. Now it's all about the glam. Thanks to Bezos, we're boldy going where no MAN has gone before, and we're going to look fabulous doing it. That "small step for man" is so 1969. This is about the giant leap for cosmetic surgery and marrying billionaires.