France is Becoming a Problem

Ezra Shaw. Getty Images.

The WNBA Draft was last night. I'm sure you were all as locked in as I was. UConn's Paige Bueckers went first overall to the Dallas Wings. Which is what we all expected. Because she's the only player we could name who all thought was probably entering draft this year. 

Another name real broad ball knowers might recognize is Hailey Van Lith. She went 11th overall to the Chicago Sky.

But the second overall pick was a player who's name I just learned for the first time. Never heard of her before in my life. She didn't play American college basketball. According to her draft profile, she simply hails from 'France'. Dominique Malonga. She's 6-foot-6, 19-years old. A full 4 years younger than Paige Bueckers. Here's her French basketball highlights.

Honestly, it makes me question why Paige Bueckers went #1 overall. Is it just because she's more marketable since she came from UConn? Because Caitlin Clark has skewed our perception of what white women's basketball players can do? I'm just saying, there's a player 4 years younger, 6-inches taller, 30+ pounds bigger, who can shoot, dribble, drive, and was throwing down very non-WNBA seeming dunks at 16-years old.

Which begs the question, what the hell is going on in France? If you haven't been paying attention lately, the French are coming for basketball. Seemingly out of nowhere. I'm sure you watched, or at least heard about the Summer Olympics this year. The French gave the United States all they could handle in the Gold Medal match. I'm sure you're familiar with Victor Wembanyama. The future face of the NBA. A man of impossible dimensions. Who's size, skill, and athleticism combined borderline constitute cheating.

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That alley-cop at 30 seconds was preposterous. Wembanyama was obviously the first overall pick in the 2023 NBA Draft. But what you may have forgotten is that in last year's draft, the first overall pick was also a French. Zaccharie Risacher. Given it was a weak draft class. It was quite literally the first NBA draft class I've ever seen and had the thought, "I bet I could beat some of these guys up."

But France has had the last two #1 overall draft picks nonetheless. And Zaccharie Risacher wasn't necessarily a slouch this season.

And I almost forgot to mention, the 2nd pick in the Zachary Risacher draft was Alex Sarr. Also from France. And for a 20-year old, these aren't terrible numbers. 

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Not bad transition basketball for a 7-footer. From what I gather, Wizards fans are actually optimistic about the guy. Thankfully, I don't see any Frenchman projected in the top 10 of next years draft. But they do have a guy named Noa Essengue, who I've found projected to go 14th. A guy named Nolan Traoré who's projected 19th. 

Which isn't all especially new. The French have long had a presence in the NBA. Tony Parker, Rudy Gobert, Nicolas Batum, Boris Diaw, Joakim Noah is kinda French. The French have been around for a while. But with Victor Wembanyama, and this brand new 6-foot-6, WNBA freak (can I say "freak" about a female athlete? It seems inappropriate. But it also seems sexist not to. I mean it only as compliment). My point is, they must be putting something different in the River Seine. Maybe something radioactive from the all the trash that's causing their children to grow up huge and fast. 

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The NBA has done a hell of a job growing the game lately. And it's all been fun games, because despite all the growth, there's still nobody touching the United States. We may drop a game every now and then, but overall, basketball is still America's game. But the god damn French are coming. While we've been busy bragging about our "best World Cup soccer team in the history of our country", the French have been slowly infiltrating The Association. If we're not careful, we're gonna look up one day and realize basketball has been taken over. Adam Silver is already talking about "NBA Europe", and considering adapting FIBA rules like changing the game to 10 minute quarters. Before we know it he'll be lobbying for an expansion team in Paris. I'm afraid we've officially become too welcoming. It's like we're begging them to steal our sport. Somebody get this across the President's desk before it's too late.