Real Headline: Patrick Starr's Kangaroo Escaped Home, Caused a Two-Vehicle Crash, Shut Down Both Sides of The Interstate in Alabama
CBS News - A runaway kangaroo named Sheila shut down a stretch of interstate in Alabama on Tuesday before state troopers and the animal's owner wrangled the wayward marsupial.
The Alabama Law Enforcement Agency said the kangaroo was spotted Tuesday hopping along the side of Interstate 85 in Macon County, which is between Montgomery and Auburn. The agency said the kangaroo caused two vehicles to crash but there were no reported injuries.
The sight snarled traffic, and state troopers shut down both sides of the interstate for the safety of motorists. The animal's owner and troopers were able to capture it, Capt. Jeremy J. Burkett of the Alabama Law Enforcement Agency said.
"When somebody said there was a kangaroo of course I didn't believe it, and nobody believed it. But I'm looking at him," Macon County Sheriff Andre Brunson said in a Facebook live video as the animal was captured.
The owner used a dart to tranquilize the animal.
Brunson's video showed the drugged kangaroo being carried to a vehicle to be returned to its home. The animal was captured on the side of the interstate between Tuskegee and Auburn, the sheriff said.
"Wow. A kangaroo in Tuskegee, Alabama. Macon County. We see a little bit of everything here," the sheriff said.
The animal's owner, Patrick Starr, told The Associated Press that the animal's name is Sheila and that she escaped from her enclosure.
"She's back home safe. She's up. She's not sedated anymore. She's eating. She's drinking. She's not injured," Starr said.
The kangaroo was treated by the Auburn University College of Veterinary Medicine, he said.
The family runs a pumpkin patch and petting zoo, but Sheila is just a personal pet, Starr said.
I can't bring myself to trust an exotic animal + private zoo owner. Unfortunately, whether it's fair or not, Joe Exotic has done an irreparable amount of damage to their reputation as a whole. Anytime I see there's an exotic animal living in some random man's backyard, I can't help but think that animal doesn't want to be there. Kangaroo's aren't meant to be in the southeastern United States. They're meant to be in Australia, and Australia only. In the desert. Hopping freely with their friends. Occasionally infiltrating neighborhoods or golf courses for impromptu boxing matches with unsuspecting blokes.
That's the life a kangaroo should be living. Not hopping down I-85 in rural Alabama somewhere near Tuskegee. The fact that Sheila (the kangaroo's name is Sheila) escaped her home only further makes me think she doesn't want to be there. Sheila wants to live in the wild like a normal kangaroo. Those brief moments of freedom she had on Tuesday were probably the most Sheila has felt like a real kangaroo in her life. Only for fucking Patrick Starr to chase her down and shoot her in the street with a tranquilizer gun like a rabid dog, then drag her back to the rock he lives under.
I looked up this Patrick Starr guy. He went to The University of Auburn. There was an article written about him on The University of Auburn's official school website back in 2016. Patrick Starr was 19-years old at the time. Meaning he was probably born in 1997. Two years before SpongeBob SquarePants first aired on Nickelodeon. So I suppose I should cut the guy some slack. That's a brutal hand to be dealt in life. Literally his entire life, from the time he can remember, he's lived in the shadow of a mentally challenged starfish best friend of the most popular children's cartoon character singe prime Bugs Bunny. Patrick Starr was never going to turn out 100% normal. According to that article, the he was running a full blown exotic party animal business before he graduated high school.
ocm.Auburn.edu - In addition to taking on one of the College of Agriculture's most challenging undergraduate degree tracks—poultry science/pre-vet—the 19-year-old freshman is also a successful business owner. And we're not talking about a lemonade stand. We're talking a full-scale money-making operation. It's the portable petting zoo called Farmer Brown's Party Animals that the Lee County resident has been running for the past six years.
Starr couldn't even drive when he purchased his first party animal, a llama, in 2009 and began taking his growing menagerie on the road to birthday parties, educational events and even Christmas nativity scenes. Averaging an event per week since then, Starr is now a seasoned shindig specialist and owner of what is possibly the state's most impressive collection of exotic animals.
Good for him, I suppose. I kinda feel like private zoo's, and exotic animal collections shouldn't exist. But based on name alone, Patrick Starr could have done so much worse. Most kids couldn't have handled the ridicule that comes with being a Patrick Starr. It would probably ruin most men. Maybe he's got a weird exotic animal addiction. Maybe he's got a pet kangaroo, and some weird Eastern Hemisphere bulls roaming around his backyard.
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But he never opened fired on his 10th grade math class. Which means his parent's did pretty damn well. And he seems to have a successful enough business. Sure there was a little mishap with Sheila the other day. But at the end of the day he took care of it. Even if it meant he had to shoot his escaped kangaroo prisoner with drugs so that Alabama could re-open their interstate.