New Gatorade Commercial Features All The People Peyton Sent Letters Over The Course Of His Career

So this morning Rovell dropped a MUST WATCH on us:

So naturally, I had to watch. From Derek Jeter to former teammates to fans who went through adversity, it looks like Peyton Manning spent his entire career writing letters to everyone. He was either throwing touchdowns, teabagging chicks, or writing letters. Thats it. Now I know the Rovell’s of the world are gonna eat this up. And the type of people who love baseball Farewell Tours will too. But there is no bigger “look at me” move than writing a fucking letter to someone. Its such an intentionally try hard move. If this was like the 1700s, go ahead Peyton. Bust out your quill and some parchment. Seal that note with a wax stamp. Send it off to the Pony Express. That was the only way to communicate back then.

Nowadays? Pick up the phone. Send an email. Send a text. Send a tweet/snap/instagram. Bout a billion ways to talk to someone. So if you choose to write a letter you’re basically trying to say “This is so important, I’ve decided it must be conveyed through a hand written letter. This communication is more important than email or text.” Peyton is firing off those letters 100% thinking “There’s really something nice about a hand written note. Its tangible. Its real.” or something snobbish like that. Probably wrote all those letters with the thought that they’d all frame the note and read it for fucking Gatorade one day. Get lost. You’re not that important, man. I mean who the fuck writes their own dad a letter? Who writes their brother?? Peyton probably talks to Archie and Eli all the fucking time. And hes gonna sit there and pen a letter to them? As try hard as it gets. If I sent me dad or brother a letter they’d probably throw it right in the garbage and be like “What is this shit?”

And the worst part is, for Gatorade to make this commercial, it has to be well known that this is a thing. Peyton had to make sure at some point, everyone knew he was a Letter Guy. He either wrote so many of them or talked about it so much that Gatorade knew they could make some over the top dramatic commercial about just how many letters he wrote. Which basically ruins the whole snobby point of writing a letter. Letter People act like its a special, rare, personal thing between two people and it just turns out Peyton is a Letter Whore and tells everyone about how many he writes. You think youre special and it turns out Peyton wrote a little to everyone he ever encountered. “Dear Jamie, I put my nuts on your head. Sincerely, Peyton Manning.” Gimme a break.

PS – “I hope this letter finds you well” is such a letter opener. Its like you gotta make sure the person reading the letter realizes it s a letter.