Community College Dropout Robbie Fox Finally Has A College Football Home
This weekend, as everyone was enjoying the return of college football, I was sitting at home sulking. Why, you ask? Good question. I’ve never had a college football team to root for.
I got about 15 minutes into my first day of kindergarten when I decided I wasn’t going to college, so I never even paid much attention to college sports, to be honest. Stupid explanation, I know, but I think it legitimately had to do with how much I hated the concept of college paired with how much I hate teenagers, with a sprinkle of just not caring about them mixed in. On Saturday, I decided enough was enough, and I was tired of everyone having fun without me, so I sent this tweet out…
I got many, many responses and went through them all, closely examining everyone’s pitches. Four hours later, I narrowed down my choice to five schools:
Here’s my reasoning behind selecting these universities as my final five…
University of Miami
They have those awesome 30 for 30s, are (or were) generally regarded as “the nWo of the NCAA”, I have some family that went there, The Rock went there, Dannyboy Cane exists, and they have this emoji at their disposal:
Boise State
Their field is blue and I like that shit right there.
Syracuse University
I like the color orange, they’re close enough where I can hypothetically drive up to games, they have a great mascot, and Clem is a fan. If we’re being honest, I don’t really care about the other shit. Clem being a fan was the main selling point. That guy is just such a lovable bundle of joy that you wanna do everything with him, and that includes sharing the agony of a horrible college football team.
University of Central Florida
A fuck ton of stoolies go there and I thought it’d be funny if I was both the UFC guy and the UCF guy. People just thinking I’m dyslexic everywhere. Oh, and their best player apparently has one arm. I love that.
University of Southern California
George Lucas went there. That’s literally it.
As you can see, it’s not like I picked these teams out of a hat, or was the guy in your office who knows nothing about college basketball so he filled out his March Madness bracket based on colors and mascots. Oh no. I did my research.
I decided yesterday to make the bold decision of eliminating USC from contention because while George Lucas did in fact create the greatest franchise of all time, he also created The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, and we must not forget that. This left me with four teams to choose from, and because I’m a man of the people, I let the people decide where I was going.
Miami was off to a big lead at the start, with Syracuse making a decent run at them from behind a few hours in. Then, Brandon Marshall caught wind of my poll and tried to show some love for his alma mater…
…but not if Miami had anything to say about it!
It was at this point I realized I was quite literally the hottest free agent in college football.
UCF tried so hard, and got so far (within two percent of the lead at one point), but in the end, it didn’t even matter. The U had an extremely dominant performance, and left me no choice but to join them on the Dark Side.
I’m all in, baby. Diehard. I could write all day about our pigskin strategy leading into Saturday’s game, our coach’s performance as coach these past few seasons, or what I think about the highly controversial rumors of late…but that’s not what it’s is all about.
It’s ALL. ABOUT. THE. U!!!!
P.S. Hurricanes fans, dafuq wit da duck? Thought we were Hurricanes?
Just LMK. But don’t tell anybody I didn’t know. They’ll think I’m a fake fan.