Daughter Gets Upset Because Her Dentist Is A Man, Sparking Conversation About Whether The Gender Of Your Doctors Matters

What do you know, a debate about gender issues in the workplace. Didn’t expect to see THIS today, what with it being a TUESDAY and all. Tuesday tends to be the most gender-neutral day of the week. It’s the one day of the week when men are legally allowed to use women’s bathrooms and vice versa. “Choose day,” as people from Long Island pronounce it.

We have a little girl flipping out because her dentist is a man. She seems like fun at parties. “I’M NOT DRINKING THIS GIN AND TONIC, IT WAS MADE BY A MAN! WHERE ARE ALL THE LADY BARTENDERS?” Hey little lady, just be happy you’re drinking. You’re 12 years old. Sometimes dentists are men and sometimes they’re women. I’ve had both and personally, I prefer a male dentist because they tend to be less condescending in how they tell me to floss. It’s a simple “you need to floss more,” whereas women dentists say “I can tell you’re not flossing enough.” Then they punish me by making my mouth bleed with that hook tool that seems like a huge step backwards in medical technology. Are we really scraping teeth with a razor wire stick in 2018? Might as well bring out the bucket of leeches and a soldering iron.

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It does beg the question though–what gender do you hope your doctor will be, based on the type of medicine they practice? For penile-related concerns, I prefer a man. You see, I tend to get a little excited when anyone touches me below the belt. I can’t help it; regions south of the border move independent of the government upstairs. When I was a teenager, my Peter Dinklage would stretch out the moment it was hit with fresh air, like a kid stepping out of a minivan at a highway rest stop. It didn’t matter if my doctor was a man or a woman–it was simply grateful to be the subject of study. And I would much rather semi-inflate in front of a male doctor than a woman. He’ll understand, or assume I’m gay, which is fine. A woman doctor would think I was sending brain waves down to make a suggestive greeting, which would land me in heaps of trouble.

I’m sure the vast majority of people prefer a doctor of their gender to deal with issues of genitalia. Beyond that, I would want a female pediatrician (both for when I was a kid and for my own children someday). Women are nicer to kids and seem to give shots in a less-painful manner. I want a male orthopedist whose office is decorated with the jerseys of pro athletes he’s operated on. Fix my broken bones, you big sports man! Tell me about how you rowed at Yale.

I want a female dermatologist. I want a male ears, nose, and throat specialist. Definitely a female psychiatrist–I love talking to women when they’re getting paid to listen to me. Don’t really care about the gender of my neurosurgeon/hope I never have to deal with one. And finally, I’m more comfortable with a female ophthalmologist because they get really close to your face and women tend to smell better than men. For everything else, just give me the best doctor in town. And hopefully network.